my Struggle with Vaginismus

A journey of healing & self-love

I've always been passionate about empowering women to take control of their own pleasure, healing, and self-care. But lately, I've been feeling burnt out and disconnected from my own sexual energy.

That's why I've decided to embark on a 6-week jade egg training journey. Guided by the captivating and calming Manjit, I aim to reconnect with my inner self and deepen my practice.

During this transformative journey, I've been openly discussing my battle with Vaginismus, and I feel compelled to delve deeper and share more of my personal narrative with you.

The Painful Past

At the tender age of 18, I found myself entangled in a relationship that would become a vessel of self-discovery and transformation. It was a three-year odyssey with a man whose words were like venom, slowly poisoning my self-esteem and self-worth.

The Daily Degradation

Every day was a battle against his relentless belittlement. He would criticize every aspect of my being, from my appearance to my abilities. He would tell me I was overweight, that I couldn’t even peel a potato correctly, that my cooking was atrocious, and that I was a hazard on the road. His constant barrage of negativity made me question my worth and capabilities, leading me to believe that I was utterly incompetent.

The Emotional Turmoil

His affection and care were as unpredictable as the winds, changing direction without warning. He would discard me when it suited him, leaving me in a sea of despair, only to return as if nothing had transpired. It was a relentless cycle of emotional turmoil, a dance between hope and despair, leaving my soul battered and my heart in pieces.

The Violation of Intimacy

His sexual desires were his highest priority, and my feelings, my comfort, were unimportant to him. He would coerce me into intimacy. Even if we had shared intimacy earlier, he would demand more, subjecting me to his abusive whims until I complied. Leaving me feeling violated and powerless.

The Silent Suffering

Enduring such torment seems unimaginable, but back then, I was a fragile soul, still grappling with the painful memories of my parents separation. I was a silent, vulnerable spirit, yearning for love and acceptance, willing to endure the agony if it meant a sehow of love, even if it was a mere illusion.

The Unseen Battle

My body, in its innate wisdom, developed vaginismus, a painful condition where the muscles in the vagina involuntarily tighten, making intercourse excruciating. It was as if my body was screaming, rejecting him every time he came close. The pain was unbearable, but he was relentless, indifferent to my suffering, pushing until he was satisfied. This silent struggle continued for over a year, a constant reminder of the power he had over me.

The Burden of Shame

I was drowning in embarrassment and shame, unable to share my pain with my family. The world was just beginning to embrace the wonders of the internet, and Google was in its infancy. I felt isolated, with no place to seek answers or understand what was happening to my body. Eventually, I mustered the courage to consult my local GP, who referred me to a gynaecologist. The diagnosis was vaginismus, but understanding it was another battle.

The Quest for Understanding

I was referred to a therapist, hoping to unravel the mystery of my condition. Initially, my ex accompanied me, but soon the counsellor requested solo sessions. It felt odd, but I complied, hoping to find some relief. After several sessions, the counsellor revealed his belief that my vaginismus was a manifestation of my body’s rejection of my ex, a response to his abusive treatment. I was in disbelief, unable to accept that the man I loved, the man I envisioned a future with, could be the root of my pain. I discontinued the sessions, choosing to live with my condition rather than accept the painful truth.

The Awakening

Months passed, and the cycle of breakups and reconciliations continued until one day, a whisper of intuition led me to his laptop. I discovered emails revealing his infidelity, and a realization dawned upon me—he never loved me. How could love coexist with such pain and betrayal? I severed the ties that night, vowing never to look back.

The Relentless Pursuit and a Mother’s Hope

In the months that followed our separation, my mother, perhaps clinging to a hope that love could conquer all, would allow him access to our home. Each time I would return, I would find meticulously chosen gifts, each more lavish and thoughtful than the last, strategically placed as silent pleas for reconciliation. He showered me with promises of eternal love, of marriage, of a life of adventure and travel, each word meticulously chosen to lure me back into his web.

The Gifts of False Promises

One such gift was my very first rose quartz stone, meticulously carved into the shape of a heart, our names eternally etched into its surface. It was a symbol of love, of unity, a silent promise of a future together. This stone, a constant reminder of his presence, still resides in my underwear drawer to this day, a silent witness to the pain and the promises.

The Clarity of Pain

But my eyes, once clouded by love and hope, were now clear, the scales had fallen, and the reality of his true nature was laid bare before me. His words, once sweet and comforting, now rang hollow, each promise a painful reminder of the love that never was. The gifts, the promises, the sweet words, they were all illusions, carefully constructed masks hiding the true face of the man I once loved.

The Unwavering Resolve

There was a newfound strength within me, a resolve forged in the fires of pain and betrayal. My heart, once open and trusting, was now guarded, the wounds still fresh, the scars a constant reminder of the lessons learned. There was no going back, no sweet word or grand gesture could erase the pain, the betrayal. My path was clear, and my mind was unwavering. The journey to healing and self-discovery had begun, and there was no looking back.

Embarking on a Journey of Self-Discovery

The years that followed were a transformative odyssey, a journey of healing and self-discovery, where I had to peel back the layers of pain and rediscover who Julie truly was. It was a time of introspection, of questioning, of exploring every facet of my being. What were my passions, my desires, my preferences? What did I enjoy eating, how did I prefer to spend my time, where did I want to travel? Every choice I had made had been overshadowed by his desires, his whims, and now it was time to rediscover my own.

The Healing Power of Counselling and Yoni Eggs

I sought the guidance of a counsellor once more, delving deep into the recesses of my soul, unearthing the pain, the trauma that had been buried within. It was here that I was introduced to the healing power of Yoni eggs, a tool that allowed me to reconnect with myself, to release the trauma that my body had been clinging to. The eggs became a beacon of light, guiding me through the darkness, allowing me to embrace my true self, to find peace within the chaos.

Reclaiming My Identity and Self-Love

I embarked on a journey of self-love, learning to embrace every curve, every flaw, every aspect of my being. I had professional photos taken, a visual testament to my strength, my beauty, a defiance against his cruel words, his constant belittlement. I was not the “fat” girl he had painted me to be; I was strong, I was beautiful, I was worthy of love.

Trusting My Intuition

I learned to listen to my body, to trust my intuition, to follow the whispers of my soul. When a feeling of unease would creep in, a nagging doubt, a whispering intuition, I would listen, I would act. Whether it was a lie detected, a betrayal uncovered, my intuition became my guiding light, my protector, and it has never led me astray.

The pain of vaginismus, the physical manifestation of my emotional trauma, never haunted me again. It was as if the release of my emotional pain, the acceptance of my true self, had freed my body from its shackles, allowing me to experience intimacy, to embrace pleasure without the shadow of pain looming over me.


This journey, this odyssey of self-discovery and healing, has been a tumultuous one, filled with pain and tears, but also with growth and enlightenment. It has been a journey of reclaiming my identity, of learning to love myself, of trusting my intuition. It has been a journey of shedding the past, of releasing the pain, and embracing the future, a future filled with hope, with love, with the promise of new beginnings.

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